Lessons Not Learnt

I feel like a crab in a crab pot of life.  I am so ready to leave behind limiting beliefs, negative thought patterns, and my self sabotaging behaviours.

I know that I fall into negative thought patterns, I focus on the things that my husband is not doing and lamenting in my mind how I do the heavier share of child care even though I also work full time.

I eat too much sugar.  It is my reward when I’m tired, when I need to feel nurtured, and when I want a boost.

I focus on losing the last 10 pounds.

Deep inside I want to feel seen, loved, and appreciated and it often comes out as needy or I go into self-martyre mode and loop eventually into anger.

I have worked on feeling worthy.  And I do.  I do believe I’m worthy of love.  I’m not perfect.  I’m ok with my ability to have dance parties with the kids, to get some good meals on the table (not always but enough), to be a great instructor at work, and to be really settling into who I am.

But where I get dragged back down into the crab pot is with relationships.  I feel like I’m in a pattern of not being seen.  It started with my family and two other relationships before being married.  I can’t really expect to be seen if I don’t show who I am to the other person which I really struggled with in my 20’s and 30’s.  I’ve really worked at discovering who I am and being ok with it!  I want to live more in the being of me.  Hmm, that doesn’t seem to make sense but is the raw truth.

Some of my seemingly sabotaging behaviours are really just coping mechanisms for not feeling seen.  And that’s where my work is.  I need to be work on my self compassion and take the focus away from the external need for validation and truly give that to myself.

My hope is to break the patterns that keep repeating and really this is my journey as a soul finding their way, making their way to meaning in this life.



I have felt restless for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure exactly when it started. At what point did I go from the live in the moment to moment ease of the childhood mind to restless?
There are as many reasons underlying this feeling as there is ways to deal with it.

Some of the coping methods I’ve used are constructive and others destructive and I’ve done lots of both.

Overeating, sugar, and alcohol are not so conducive to positively working out good changes.

Trying to work through what this feeling is trying to communicate gives seeds to work with.

And it seems that this restlessness is my tool that I’ve been given to push me to examine my life and figure out what I need to do next.

When I figure out one piece, there is always another wave which at times can feel suffocating and depressing. I’m realizing that the waves will keep coming but if I can learn to move with the waves it is not so crushing. I can see the continual waves with more patience and compassion.

Todays wave is about work. My work history is a combination of being tossed around in the crashing waves to a joyous learn to surf only to have a major wipeout a couple of years ago.

When I graduated from high school there was a recession going on. Add to that limited funds for university and a lack of confidence in my chosen field of teaching, I ended up dropping out of university at the start of second year. I managed to find a full time job working in a coffee shop and at least was able to support myself while searching for what to do next. I was introduced to a boyfriend’s sister who was a CMA – a designated accountant.

That was never my dream but I could take classes at night while I worked and that is how I fell into the accounting profession.

It was not my first choice (or twentieth for that matter) but the whole seven years it took, I could work which was needed. I could never find a fit though in any of the accounting jobs that I had. Thankfully twelve and a half years ago had the confidence to get back into teaching – accounting at a college.

I think some people are not only satisficers or maximizers (http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2006/06/are_you_a_satis) when it comes to choosing but I think it happens in other areas too.

I’ve realized that I tend to have the maximizer in me always on, always scanning to see if any job, relationship, house, and any other part of my life are what’s best for me.

A couple of years ago I had been chugging along quite happy in my role as an instructor and also working on some long-term planning for my department. I already had the restless feeling creeping up after ten years of teaching, I was ready for a different opportunity. Insert some serendipitous miscommunication and an intolerant boss and I switched departments.
I’m still teaching accounting but in a different campus and department.
I love that I know have more freedom in the way I deliver courses and it has been a good change.
But the restlessness is still brewing.
I know part of the solution is learning skills to just let the restlessness go. I don’t have to act on it all the time. Meditation could be one or for me right now (although a 6 yr and 4 yr old tend to be great interrupters!) I have an energy routine to get back into my body that has been working really well. It only takes ten minutes which has meant consistency almost every day.

On the other hand do I want to do another 10 or 15 years doing what I’m doing? My other loves have been psychology (I went back to finish a BA in psych a few years ago). And a chronic illness that has been in remission for a long time but never far from the surface has me exploring alternative healing as a way to fulfill a deeper desire to really work with people at a more personal level.

I don’t know what the answer is yet but I know for sure that the restlessness will keep pushing me to figure it out.

A New Life Emerging


I have been going through a season or more like a whole year of intense pressure to make changes. The pressure is internal. A need to drive my life in a direction that is more fulfilling, more inline with who I am and who I feel is trapped deep inside.

I have a love of learning and gathering information. And then reading more and more and more. I love blogs, books, and if I have the time courses as well. I love that I gather ideas and and increase my knowing of better ways to eat, to add positivity, and to see how others are living through their blogs.

I’m drawn to stories and it fascinates me what interests and inspires others to live their lives the way they do.
It would take several posts to talk about all the blogs, books, and magazines that I’ve read over the last several years. And I still go to work and take care of my young family.

It’s what I love to do but then I realized that even though I love reading about improvements and great ideas that would make my life fuller, richer and more enjoyable, I’m NOT following through on almost all of these things.


That question has plagued me. I realize now that I use up all my time (outside work and family) doing the reading and researching but I leave no time to actually make the changes in my life. It leaves me feeling restless and a bit of a failure when it comes to having a life that I love.

I love insights and have worked really hard to figure out who I am as I thought this was the answer to how I can really make changes and improve my eating, my energy, my direction in life. In turn I can be a better mom.
And certainly this intense search I embarked on over the last couple of years has helped. I finally figured out that I’m an ENFP and a type 4. I could not figure these out before! And it’s in realizing that I have a very open orientation to life and this meant that I could see myself in many types and also that I have had some experiences where I could not express who I was and has meant I keep the real me very private. So private that even I couldn’t access these parts of myself.

The culminating point happened when I went for an Evolutionary Astrology reading that BLEW MY MIND. She touched on my life long struggle to find my way and was able to pull out and explain pieces of me that need to be exposed and shared so that I can move forward. I sat in disbelief as she explained how I’m private and can’t even seem to know myself. That I love learning, pick up on concepts easily but have a hard time accepting one way of being in the world. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I also need to work on finishing something! She recognized that I start many things but don’t really get them off the ground. Like this blog, and I want to implement necessary diet changes to improve my health and learn some key skills to move my work life forward.

And here I am.

Ready to break out of my self imposed cocoon to share my journey in hopes that you can fly beautiful and free too!!

Ch, Ch, Changes

All around there is so much unrest not only in politics but in how we operate and interact with our world. Change is in the air in so many aspects that the uncertainty is overwhelming.

I have felt really called to reflect on my values and to try and discern how my values will drive my actions going forward.

If feels like our political, medical, and educational systems just don’t serve us in today’s world. There is something to be said for tradition, standards, systems and being lead by experts in these areas. But are there experts leading us? Who is really acting on our best interests?
What are our best interests? It’s enough to made me want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and come out when the world looks different.

How do we get the world to look different? How do we get more compassion, kindness, and trust? How do I help the world to look different? It feels so overwhelming. You’ve heard it before – how can my one voice make a difference?
And the answer I know – it’s when we add all the ones together to get a very large sum that DOES make a difference.

For me that means figuring out a path to making my one voice congruent with my values. If I can start here right now at what feels like step one. Even one positive step forward is better than staying stuck in the muck that seems to be cementing my feet.

I can start with a smile and words of kindness to crack the cement to break free from feeling like there is no hope. Hope will grow and expand bit by bit.

Which direction am I stepping? I don’t know!
I do know that every single institution that I have ignored and often just complained about needs to shift into a new way of being.

The government can’t lead changes, it has to start with me (and you!).

The medical system can’t do it only using one way of treating disease and not treating people.

The education system can’t do it by teaching what has always been taught and then expecting students to graduate and be equipped to operate in a chaotic world.

The corporate world can not maintain greed for some as the way to rationalize actions that hurt you and me.

It’s time to step into the unknown and I will share this journey of doing what I can to change, to change a bit of my world and I hope that ripples to meet your changes too.

It’s time to step forward and meet the world with what I can give, to add to hope to the best of my ability and to encourage you to join me.

We need each other

I am on a journey to have a life with meaning. What does that mean?! How can my view add anything to the many, many blogs, books, and articles written on finding meaning in this world that makes a difference? I am hoping to incorporate good habits and changes that help me to connect with a sense of calmness in this ever changing, harsh but also amazing world.

I was very lucky to have most of the summer off to spend with my kids. To get up and enjoy a slower pace. To go many times to the playground on our street, to rent a cottage for a week, to have play dates and go swimming. Most mornings, although many way earlier starts than I would have liked, included cups of coffee and some shows for the kids and reading for me. This is the first summer I didn’t wish for the work routine to come back sooner. The kids still need constant vigilance but not need every moment of interaction with me and allow for a little breathing room in the day.

I thought I had replenished my energy to be ready for routine, early mornings, packing lunches, separate drop-offs, and pickups, and less time for making meals. The routine is not quite two months in and I’m exhausted.

It felt easier in the summer to not be constantly comparing how my life routines are shoddy and lacking compared to the craft filled, healthy snacks, meals, many activities, and lovely lives others seem to have all year around. Summer gives an excuse to be lazier, slow down, enjoy garden veggies and revel in summertime treats.

Fall and winter seems to bring stress of store bought foods that never measure up in nutrition and ease of preparation. routines kick into high gear and energy must be sucked up to be up early, and get everywhere. and be cheerful, patient, and make if all look effortless.

All I need is time management and if that doesn’t work than I can prioritize, and if that doesn’t work I can just mediate and add in some zen. We do need all of these tools to make sure we are doing what needs to be done.

But underneath it all there is a layer of exhaustion that never seems to go away.
What is it? What is it from? There are many different answers that are too long and nuanced to do in one post. And really the answers are everywhere and there are so many awesome resources that help with the pieces. That help me to sort out a particular issue.
Do you feel it too?

This is where we need to hear each other and why I love reading the routines and lives of others. To know that we are not alone in this feeling and that in itself is a start.

Hearing the Message

hear the whispers
hear the whispers

It feels like there really is a blog for everything. Google will often give choices endlessly, page after page of options to read, use, and ponder. Voices may leave and others begin to fill into the void. But here is the thing. Not one is exactly the same. The topics may be the same but the stories are different.
Or the feeling of the message is different.

Some messages may speak more clearly to me and not speak to you at all. We may need to hear another voice, or see pictures or feel different in order to resonate with that particular topic, idea, or message.

And as important, when we are trying to grow and expand our view, advance our journey, we need to hear, see, feel, and ponder the message again and again in different ways.

In teaching in my day job, it is about learning modalities and teaching to how learners actually learn best. Auditory, visual, vs kinaesthetic. Ideally I use all three in order to make the learning environment richer, to reach more students to aid in their learning. It means using visual images, speaking, and giving everyone a chance to practice and work with the material to help the learning stick.

The same goes for our personal journeys. I think I am failing sometimes when I hear messages or am learning new ways to make my life more peaceful, accepting, and joyful when I don’t “get it” right away.

I went for a Reiki session several weeks ago with a wonderful Reiki practitioner and medium, Sue Berard, who ends her sessions with words and messages she receives during the session. One of the suggestions she had at my last session was to practice following my intuition. Sue knows my desire to add more divine guidance in my life and she suggested I start by listening to my intuition for as many choices as I can in my day. As simple as asking myself what I want to eat for lunch.
Or what choice of sandwich – start with small choices.

Life is busy and when my young kids are along there is not much space of silence in order to access intuition in the midst of chatter, constant movement, and demands. I think I have tried trusting my instinct in some choices but nowhere near what the amount of practice I would like to be doing.

i don’t know about you but I feel I’m in the midst of a big shift in my life. Not an outward shift but a major inner shift. I’m exhausted not just from raising a six and three year old but from the inner struggle of not living true to me.

I’ve spent many years reading various self-help books and blogs, searching for an answer to quieting my inner restlessness. But sometimes we just aren’t ready and don’t hear the message or really take-in the teachings. The words sound good and make sense. They give a sense of hope of changing my life once and for all.

But then I don’t do the work of the teaching and the message that had such power and hope just fades away.

Maybe it just wasn’t my time yet, I haven’t been really ready until now. I feel like not shifting my inner life is just too painful. I need to shift. To jump into the unknown and journey forward.

And with the readiness to jump into the unknown, the messages start appearing in my life. Conversations lead to feelings of support and a suggestion of a book by Anita Moorjani called “Dying To Be Me”. the book is her story of healing from end stage cancer after having a near death experience. It is soul changing. A very powerful message that we are all One and all come from One. That we embody and are love and how she came back to live fearlessly and help others to hear her message and to see that we can all live fearlessly as our true selves and allow our lives to unfold as magnificent beings.

I wanted to learn more about ways that i can be me, follow my inner direction, and start to allow my life to unfold.

I googled workshops in following divine guidance and magically stumbled into Caroline Myss’s website. I did know of her work as I’ve read a few of her books including Why We don’t Heal and How We Can, as well as Sacred Contracts. Why we Don’t Heal I must have read over 15 years ago and Sacred Contracts probably 10 years.

I remember feeling the messages in these books as interesting and powerful. But the words and teachings have faded away.

What I followed into Carline’s website was a reflections video on intuition. And the core of that message is that to follow intuition means following our truth relentlessly. That we are always receiving messages of our truth, like when we have gut reactions and know the choice to make. Or we may just have a knowing what we should choose but may be afraid to do. That when we don’t follow our truth at any level (wether it’s knowing what we should be eating to knowing a big choice that should be made) that we will become out of balance. That we have have anxiety, depression, and maybe physical symptoms of some kind that it means we have not been following our truth. She gives an amazing analogy of moving up the floors of a building in our journey and that we can’t move to the next floor until we are willing to let our old beliefs die. We will open up to new vistas and truths that will keep us expanding and growing. This is a very short version. I encourage you to go check out her website for more.

And it all comes around to my Reiki session weeks ago about following my intuition! I needed to hear the message again and again to help propel me through my fears to start ascending the stairs of my journey to the next floor. Ready or not…

Magic Bullet

Did you know there is no magic bullet?

  • no secret to success
  • no short cut

I searched for a long time to find the article, magazine, book, blog, guru that would have the magical answer to the restlessness.  to magically wake up and only crave salad. to be laser focused and productive.  to find my one purpose in life.  to feel confident and not worry what everyone else was thinking.  to feel happy and content.

The answer was out there, I just needed to keep searching.  Reading, watching shows, taking a class.  The answer had to be out there somewhere.  somehow I just couldn’t find this thing that was the answer to my longing for connection to myself, to being healthier and to feeling connected to others.  where for so long I felt none.  a sense of emptiness, inescapable.

Nothing I read, and searched for was the answer.  I couldn’t take the outside answers and seem to bring them in.  These were great books, excellent writers and wonderful, wise people.  Why couldn’t I make my life better as each book and blog gave me tools, suggestions, tips and tricks to use.  I had lots of pre-kid time in my 20’s and 30’s to exercise, meditate, read, and sleep.

It is cliche of course.  the answer is in not out.  I didn’t do all the tips, exercises, and tools.  why?  I don’t know.  maybe somewhere within I didn’t believe that they would really make a difference.  somehow i had a fundamental flaw that blocked me from achieving what i desired.  it felt empty and nothing I read, did, or wished for could fill it up.  It is not fillable from the outside.

I realize now I first needed to believe.  believe that i had the ability to change.  believe in my own voice.  believe i can find enjoyment in my path.

Why did it take so long?  There are those great teachers and guides out there that teach this truth.  that we must start inward first.  maybe it just took me this long on my journey of growth to really take this in.  I let the distractions rule me for far too long.

i’m not sure what my path is,  my role and where i’m going but more than ever before I feel like i’m stepping in the right direction.  wherever that may lead.

Vulnerability 1 and Perfect O


I’ve been waiting for perfect.

the perfect blog title

the perfect theme

the perfect ideas

the perfect feeling

the perfect time

the perfect message to share

for the fear of vulnerability to subside

almost two years after getting a domain and blog set up I know that perfect will not happen.

I may never figure out exactly what my message is and why I feel the need to share with the world.  And you know what?  that is ok.  The feeling of vulnerability that goes with exposing some of my life to the world, that’s not going away either.  it’s harder to say that’s ok but I hope will get easier bit by bit.  post by post.  The need to write, create something and add my voice of wonder to the world are enough.

Food Conspiracy




The food conspiracy in my house goes like this:

One of my kids (I have two – 5 and 3) likes eggs, the other does not.

One likes stuffed pasta, the other one? gags when forced to try it.

One loves sweet, the other savoury.

One likes steak, the other does not.

One likes meatballs, the steak-eater? hates em.

One likes cheese, the other one?  only if it’s on pizza.

The one who doesn’t like cheese loves nachos, the one who does love cheese refuses to eat nachos or quesadillas.  What??

Chicken is hit or miss.  One day it is eagerly gobbled down.  The next day, I am destroying their lives by serving them chicken.

It makes meal planning exhausting.  It’s a huge challenge to keep a variety of meals healthy, tasty, and on the table in half an hour.  Ahhh you say – slow cooker meals work great when short on time and used to make great meals.

one likes sauce on their food, the other does not.

the one who likes sauce on their food – casserole?  what is that?  it lucks yucky?  Really?

On that note, I have a sensitivity to all dairy products and have a desire to eat a more vegan diet.  Do you know how many yummy recipes have cheese or are completely meat based?  All this talk gives my husband nightmares of never enjoying steak again.

AND then there is the internet to help my meal planning.

Eggs are bad.

Eggs are good.

Steak is bad

Steak is good

Beans are good

Beans are bad

Eat paleo

Eat vegan

And on. and on.

I have to say that I am lucky – my kids have no allergies and love almost all fruits, several vegetables, yogurt and some good things like shrimp and nut butters.  The down side?  We can’t live just on that everyday.  Although I have considered that.  more than once.


Is it all about the money?


My focus on Reiki was a curiosity to learn more about a relaxing and energy healing modality.  I enjoyed going to Reiki sessions.

Maybe I could turn something I enjoy receiving into something I can enjoy giving to others.  Oh.  But there is a catch.  I should make money at it.  Right?  In today’s world of entrepreneurial spirit, the goal is to expand and be more productive and make more money.

House renovations



Feel more successful.

I took my level one Reiki a year ago.  I have not shared it much with anyone.  At first I offered off hand to friends but with reserve and fear creeping into the offer.  It is hard to put myself out there.  It feels a little weird.  Offering my hands as comfort and healing to others is a big gift to share.  I was too scared to schedule any sessions.

Even my self practice has been sporadic lately.  Recently I went to a meditation and reiki morning.  It felt so good to connect with my centre again.  There were others who like me are just learning and came out to practice and share with those that are more experienced.

The whirling winds of my life slowed for just enough time to connect with a deep sense of calm and peace.

Baby steps.  Maybe feeling successful is not about bulldozing ahead but hanging out with the calm breeze and first regaining my own practice.

I need to start from my centre and it is then not about making money.  Shoes, vacations, and renovations are luxuries to enjoy, don’t get me wrong  The goal though is to share a gift.  A gift of stillness in the midst of busy-ness.

And that is truly a gift I could share.