Morning Moments

One of my favourite bloggers is http://www.theshubox.com.  I love how she shares her struggles, triumphs, and her moments in life.  She inspired me to start waking up between 5 and 5:30 am most weekday mornings.  I also feel like there is so much I want to do and I wasn’t getting accomplished in my life.  Having young kids makes the time even more precious to carve out so that I’m getting refuelled and also taking steps to accomplish the things that matter to me.

There is so much great information and awesome bloggers that share their lives that it has taken me a few years to really get sharing and working consistently on my blog.  Why write if I don’t have something new and different.  What I should have seen a long time ago is that it is the sharing of our stories, our perspective that is a creative outlet and connects us together.  Those are two very powerful reasons and are enough.

I love how shared experiences make us feel less alone.  In knowing that other moms struggle with patience and feel fried by the end of the day, I feel less angst that I’m doing everything wrong.  There are lots of picky eaters and meal planning and getting kids to eat healthy is a common struggle too!  Sleeping.  Enough said there.

I appreciate those that share not only the struggle but all the the things they do to piece a great life together.  Food ideas, sleeping thoughts, self care reminders, and many more ideas.

I have friends who I talk with, get together and have a shared journey but I also love being able to sit down at the end of the day or open up my computer bright and early and feel a connection to this shared journey of finding our way through life, parenting, working, and relationships.

Lessons Not Learnt

I feel like a crab in a crab pot of life.  I am so ready to leave behind limiting beliefs, negative thought patterns, and my self sabotaging behaviours.

I know that I fall into negative thought patterns, I focus on the things that my husband is not doing and lamenting in my mind how I do the heavier share of child care even though I also work full time.

I eat too much sugar.  It is my reward when I’m tired, when I need to feel nurtured, and when I want a boost.

I focus on losing the last 10 pounds.

Deep inside I want to feel seen, loved, and appreciated and it often comes out as needy or I go into self-martyre mode and loop eventually into anger.

I have worked on feeling worthy.  And I do.  I do believe I’m worthy of love.  I’m not perfect.  I’m ok with my ability to have dance parties with the kids, to get some good meals on the table (not always but enough), to be a great instructor at work, and to be really settling into who I am.

But where I get dragged back down into the crab pot is with relationships.  I feel like I’m in a pattern of not being seen.  It started with my family and two other relationships before being married.  I can’t really expect to be seen if I don’t show who I am to the other person which I really struggled with in my 20’s and 30’s.  I’ve really worked at discovering who I am and being ok with it!  I want to live more in the being of me.  Hmm, that doesn’t seem to make sense but is the raw truth.

Some of my seemingly sabotaging behaviours are really just coping mechanisms for not feeling seen.  And that’s where my work is.  I need to be work on my self compassion and take the focus away from the external need for validation and truly give that to myself.

My hope is to break the patterns that keep repeating and really this is my journey as a soul finding their way, making their way to meaning in this life.

 

Restlessness

I have felt restless for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure exactly when it started. At what point did I go from the live in the moment to moment ease of the childhood mind to restless?
There are as many reasons underlying this feeling as there is ways to deal with it.

Some of the coping methods I’ve used are constructive and others destructive and I’ve done lots of both.

Overeating, sugar, and alcohol are not so conducive to positively working out good changes.

Trying to work through what this feeling is trying to communicate gives seeds to work with.

And it seems that this restlessness is my tool that I’ve been given to push me to examine my life and figure out what I need to do next.

When I figure out one piece, there is always another wave which at times can feel suffocating and depressing. I’m realizing that the waves will keep coming but if I can learn to move with the waves it is not so crushing. I can see the continual waves with more patience and compassion.

Todays wave is about work. My work history is a combination of being tossed around in the crashing waves to a joyous learn to surf only to have a major wipeout a couple of years ago.

When I graduated from high school there was a recession going on. Add to that limited funds for university and a lack of confidence in my chosen field of teaching, I ended up dropping out of university at the start of second year. I managed to find a full time job working in a coffee shop and at least was able to support myself while searching for what to do next. I was introduced to a boyfriend’s sister who was a CMA – a designated accountant.

That was never my dream but I could take classes at night while I worked and that is how I fell into the accounting profession.

It was not my first choice (or twentieth for that matter) but the whole seven years it took, I could work which was needed. I could never find a fit though in any of the accounting jobs that I had. Thankfully twelve and a half years ago had the confidence to get back into teaching – accounting at a college.

I think some people are not only satisficers or maximizers (http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2006/06/are_you_a_satis) when it comes to choosing but I think it happens in other areas too.

I’ve realized that I tend to have the maximizer in me always on, always scanning to see if any job, relationship, house, and any other part of my life are what’s best for me.

A couple of years ago I had been chugging along quite happy in my role as an instructor and also working on some long-term planning for my department. I already had the restless feeling creeping up after ten years of teaching, I was ready for a different opportunity. Insert some serendipitous miscommunication and an intolerant boss and I switched departments.
I’m still teaching accounting but in a different campus and department.
I love that I know have more freedom in the way I deliver courses and it has been a good change.
But the restlessness is still brewing.
I know part of the solution is learning skills to just let the restlessness go. I don’t have to act on it all the time. Meditation could be one or for me right now (although a 6 yr and 4 yr old tend to be great interrupters!) I have an energy routine to get back into my body that has been working really well. It only takes ten minutes which has meant consistency almost every day.

On the other hand do I want to do another 10 or 15 years doing what I’m doing? My other loves have been psychology (I went back to finish a BA in psych a few years ago). And a chronic illness that has been in remission for a long time but never far from the surface has me exploring alternative healing as a way to fulfill a deeper desire to really work with people at a more personal level.

I don’t know what the answer is yet but I know for sure that the restlessness will keep pushing me to figure it out.