It’s Done Already?

I watched an interview with Bruce Lipton yesterday.  I had read his book The Biology of Belief a couple of years ago and when I saw that he would be speaking about the biology of spirituality I carved out the hour to watch.  He is certainly an energetic speaker and can go on many tangents but his topic is fascinating, that we are not our genes.  Environment matters.  We have more influence than I grew up believing.

Part of this interview (which was through the health platform ph360), was focused on our unconscious mind and conscious mind.  That 95% of the time we are operating from our unconscious because we are “busy” thinking in our conscious mind.  We are going about our days thinking about the past, future, worries, things to do and not focused in the present.

The unconscious mind is running how we are behaving most of the time.  The part that really struck home for me is that the programming of our habit-based unconscious mind was imprinted from when we were born until age 7.

My son is 7.  What has he seen in my behaviours, my husbands, and the world around him?!  That stopped me in my tracks for a moment.  What ground have I helped to pave for him that will be the basis of his behaviours for most of his life?  Yikes!

I have tried my best to teach understanding, kindness, I think!  Although I’m not perfect and what programming have I unknowingly passed on to him?  My marriage is going through a difficult time.  We don’t have yelling fights but what tense moments has he absorbed?

I am trying to think back to my first 7 years of life.  I don’t have lots of memories from that time frame.  I have struggled with self-esteem, anxiety, and being too critical.  Is that the programming I experienced?  Of course not all of it.  I had a stable base for childhood but it was very lonely.

I still have years to be more conscious, to work harder on not downloading my programming (or to stop as much as I can) onto my son and daughter.

Lessons of Health

A couple of years ago I was ready to face my health, my eating habits, and my inability to make positive changes.  While munching on chips or eating sweet desserts, I have read magazines, books, and articles about eating healthier.  I knew my eating habits were terrible.  I knew that I needed to actually make some changes to have a better quality of life and to prevent serious health issues.  One step I took was seeing a naturopath and to do food sensitivity testing.

Back story: I have had rheumatoid arthritis since I was about thirteen.  I was officially diagnosed when I was fifteen, after months of tests to rule out other possibilities.  Diet was never considered.  I grew up on a farm and had a very meat and potatoes diet which included home grown vegetables.  It seems like that should have been a good start.  I felt very alone and isolated and used to steal cookies and other foods, and once old enough I would buy treats to eat in secret in my room.  Hence a very unhealthy relationship with food was created in these years.

When I moved away from home at eighteen I was then free to eat unhealthy as much as I wanted.  I became vegetarian in my earlier twenties.  The basis of this diet was not vegetables but bread and cheese were often mainstays along with the unhealthy “treats” that I continued to use as emotional support over the years.

When I met my now husband, meat slowly made an appearance.  That was fifteen years ago.  I have had some success over the years where the treats were managed a little better but they have never gone away as my constant companion.

I have never been able to stick to a “diet”. My weight has been up and down with 20 to 30 pounds over a healthy weight in my 20’s to late 30″s.   I could control my overall intake of food but I had to have treats every day.  They are my coping mechanism.

At 38 I had a son and then at 40, a daughter.  My weight came down with breast feeding and just being busier.  I have about 8 or so pounds I could lose but overall now it’s not about weight, it has become about health.

I still can’t stick to a diet.  But back to the naturopath.  Almost three years ago the testing came back that I am sensitive to the protein casein in milk – which meant the yogurt and cheese that were the mainstays of my diet were actually causing inflammation in my body.  Ironically, I grew up on a dairy farm.

Over the last few years, I have struggled to keep dairy out of my diet – there are milk products in so many things!  When I can keep it to a bare minimum I feel so much better.  I’ve made strides at incorporating vegetables a bit more vegetables in my diet.  But I often derail and have some days were the main things I eat are not healthy and can often include dairy in them.

The other big hurdle AND was the starting thought of this post, has been trying to find good advice and guidelines to make sure that I’m getting what I need.  My arthritis has been in a “remission” since my 20’s but I do get some swelling when I overdo things, either from physical exertion and from overeating crap.

There is much debate about paleo and other diets that may be best for auto immune conditions. None of which I have been able to follow.

I would hate to think how much time I have wasted in my life reading magazines, books, and articles about diets.  What would the world look like if we took all the advice and selling of stuff we need to exercise and eat right.  The supplements, the products, the programs.

It makes me crazy and sad.  I’m 45 and I know that the best thing I can do for myself is to stop the insanity of reading, reading, searching and searching for I don’t know what.  The miracle that would fix me.

What I’ve found is I now have a full on desire to go vegan which is a challenge in feeding myself in a way that the rest of my family is not interested in.  I know though that I can incorporate this way of eating, I can feel the joy in it that nourishment can give me.  I have committed myself to step by baby step stopping the insanity of looking to others for the miracle answer to my health and trusting my instincts.

I feel tired in my bones some days from working, caring for young kids, and life but that in trusting myself I will improve my health.

Part of that is limiting in some way the outside messages and voices that I have been reading every day for years.  There is so, so much competing information, some of it good and a lot of it horrible and self serving of those looking to profit.

Honestly this feels so new and daunting.  I will use this space as a way to not just keep myself accountable but to share my learning journey towards a saner, healthier, and more compassionate life.

 

Seeing the Good

As my kids get older I’m beginning to experience the challenge of guiding not only their behaviour but their character.  It’s like most things in parenting where I hear about it and can empathize with the challenges but once I’m in the thick of it, I REALLY get it.  What do I leave for my son to figure out on his own, what do I gently guide, and what do I take a strong stance on?

It’s even more challenging when I see parts of me in his personality and character.

I feel like there is a chance for me to help guide him in ways that I never received.  Hoping that I can ease some angst by helping him to cope better with some of the character traits that are more challenging.

Yesterday I was messaged by his teacher that he was complaining of a tummy ache.  This ailment magically appears when he doesn’t want to do something.  He pulled it out earlier in the morning hoping to not go to school (he had just eaten breakfast and was perfectly fine).  To school he went.  But after food, fresh air, water and time, by the early afternoon he was still “not feeling good”.

If work was busy for me I probably would have asked that he tough it out.  I was working from home and there is that niggling of doubt, maybe he really isn’t feeling well.  Off to school I went.  Of course he was fine.  He did complain of a tummy ache and sore throat but nothing crazy.

Home we came and he played and rested while I did manage a bit of work.  Later in the evening his teacher again messaged me to share some thoughts from the last couple of days (we have such a caring teacher to have taken her time to reach out later in the day).  My son was working on a Father’s Day gift where they are to write what is awesome about their dads.

He was struggling with this so the teacher had tried to give him some prompts to get him started and he told her that his dad is either at work, watching TV, or home after he is in bed.  Some of this is true but not all of it.  His dad is a shift worker and does watch too much TV but he also reads to our son at bedtime when he’s home, will take him sometimes to do fun things like mini golf and also had put together the trampoline we bought a few weeks ago.  And many other things as well.

Which brings me to my son’s view of the world.  He is quick to see the negative, the unfair, and to not see the good.  He turned seven six weeks ago and I know that empathy and the ability to see things differently are just developing.

But this is also ME.

Knowing that my son was sad and couldn’t see the good fills me with sadness.  I know for too long, much too long I didn’t realize this about my self.  I feel gratitude on many things but I also am first at seeing the negative, the unfair, and the exclusion from life.

My wish is that he can develop the ability to also see clearly the good in his life.  Not in a pollyanna way but in a way that is more balanced.  That when asked what is good about life, about his dad, and him that he can see the good things.  That even though life has things that aren’t great, that a part of living is not changing them but changing our reaction.  And all in a way that he can understand and not feel like he is doing anything wrong or that there is anything wrong with him.

Such is life: learning to make better choices and that we can change how we view our worlds.  It won’t happen overnight.  My wish is that I can help him make small changes now so that hopefully it becomes more automatic for him.  That he can spend much more of his early years seeing the good.

Realizing that it is a lesson that we will be learning together.

The Time is Right

Last year a friend of mine talked about a session she had with an awesome Evolutionary Astrologist Christina Rai.  My friend talked about how insightful the session was and it was amazing to learn so much in understanding herself and her path in life.  Sign me up.  I couldn’t wait to go and see what I could learn.

I went last year in June and it was mind blowing.  The approach of evolutionary astrology is more based on the soul and our evolutionary purpose in life (this is a major simplification which I will talk more about later but you can check out the website for a much more eloquent and deeper explanation).

I was so amazed at the insights that I gained about my approach in life, my way of being, and an understanding of the underlying forces of my struggles.  I wanted to shout from the rooftops about this amazing tool we have in our midst to help us have conscious insights into our psyche.  It doesn’t change our current struggles.  It is not destined fate.  It is a map that we can choose to have as an aid while WE make the best choices we can in the moment for our journeys.

I have been experiencing some major internal pressure to make big changes in my life that I couldn’t understand.  My way of viewing the world, what I value, and where I see myself going are in a major, cataclysmic shift.  It has been so hard feeling like the earth underneath me is heaving, crumbling with no stable ground in sight.

I decided to go again for a session based on my solar and lunar returns and to concentrate on my astrological chart transits to look at what is going on for me right now and the year ahead.  It again was so mind blowing and so awesome to get an understanding of the planetary influences, the aspects that are guiding my journey right now.

One piece I will share now is I could never understand why I felt so trapped growing up.  My parents were very quiet and not very communicative when I was growing up.  We lived on a farm 4 miles out of a small town with no close neighbours.  I sometimes will hear others describe growing up on a farm as a magical time being close to nature.  I found it isolating and felt disconnected and lonely.

Thinking about my natal chart and the planetary influences of my soul for this journey I asked Christina why I had such a strong need to “escape” to a city when I was growing up.  I was desperate to leave that childhood isolation behind and I did once I graduated from school.  That’s over 20 years ago and in the shift I’m experiencing right now I’ve had some of those same feelings of wanting to escape.  And it’s never about my life being horrible now or when I was a kid.  There are definite improvements I can make in being more connected, make use of my time better, and be more in sync with my self.

I realized through my natal chart, the strong energy I have,  an essential energy to push forward in the world (Mars in Aries in my first house) and a very strong urge for freedom (Uranus in Libra in my seventh house).  Now I can see how growing up on a farm could feel like a trap as I wanted to be out doing in the world.  I wanted to be free to roam and be around, to have experiences where there were people, and to see the world.  My family did not purposely do the opposite of what I needed to experience.  They didn’t know.  I didn’t know why I felt the way I did and it made it worse because sure things weren’t perfect.  My family was also very quiet, did not communicate much, and was fairly conservative.  That also felt constricting which may be somewhat normal but felt overwhelming to me with the energies that I had inside me waiting to burst forth in the world.

It’s now that I can see how some of that pattern is emerging again in having my own young family.  In the last several years my freedom and energy have less choice to be free but have been focused on nurturing the beautiful little beings who are now almost 7 and 4.  After the evolutionary astrology session, I could see how that is triggering some of my pressure points again.  It’s in this amazing understanding that I can make better choices to not feel so trapped.  To understand that the intenseness of raising young children is slowly shifting to allow for a little space again for me to roam again.

There is so much power in knowing.  I’ve realized that the greatest gift I can give my children is to understand the influences of their soul journey (through their natal charts).  I can’t be perfect but I can at least try to understand and support them at this most fundamental level.

This is a very brief skim of the impact of the learning from that session.  It has made me so passionate about learning more that I’ve started to take astrology classes and find others who are interested in astrology as well.  Stay tuned for more!

 

Food Lessons

Food.

I have so many lessons to learn from this one word.  I question constantly.  Why is this such a hard lesson for me.  Why do some people find it so easy to eat healthy or at the very least to have a much more sane balance around this ubiquitous little word.  Why has it taken me so long to be able to face this word with more depth and honesty?

I will write more about my journey of searching for meaning.  That also doesn’t come easy to me.  How is it that some people can throw themselves into loving whatever it is that they find fascinating.  We really do have an endless supply of wonder that surrounds us: bugs, plants, animals, people, design, our minds, our bodies, our souls, and this list could break it down and go on and on.  There are people who are fascinated and can study anything.

I have struggled to find that meaning.  I know that food is an issue for me for many reasons.  And when I look around me there are so many that have taken their own challenges and met them head on.  Research, implementing changes, and many becoming experts and sharing their knowledge and journeys with others.  Do a search for any ailment that has a connection to food and you find it.  Want to ferment foods, eat vegan, eat paleo, and on and on.  It is available.

I suppose it is a part of my lessons to learn for this soul journey that I need to stop comparing.  I am here to learn my lessons and I need to see those around me as inspiration and a guide that I can use and not use them as a tool to show how I don’t measure up, will never change, and make me feel worse.  That has not helped and unconsciously I have been doing this for a long time.

For a long time I have done a lot of research, searching, learning, and reading.  Now is the time for action.

Food.

My action here is to take better care of my health.  It is not about dieting.  For me it is about feeling less joint pain, gut issues, and gaining more energy.

2017 is my year of action.  To not just know that I need to make changes but to start no matter how small.  I want to feel better and I know that making changes to what I eat and being more gentle with myself are the first keys to this call of action.