Can I Change the World?

I would like to have an impact on the world.  I would like to look back on my life and see how I made a difference.  A big difference in helping shift our world to be more kind and collaborative.  To aid in healing people who will then heal the planet including nature and our communities.  To have countries less focused on war and more focused on healing, on working together so that we all feel safe and have space to be ourselves.

No small goals for me.  How far am I in this lofty goal?  No where.

It’s depressing to look around and feel the helplessness when faced with these overwhelming tasks.  I don’t know the steps to even make a small difference in helping the planet and people to heal.  I don’t have the technical skills to be in a healing industry.

I teach accounting.  That is not particularly healing.

I was reading a piece again using a prompt to imagine myself on my deathbed and answer the question “How is the world better because I lived in it”.

As I sit with that and imagine how I want to feel in that moment.  I think I actually want to feel a sense of peace with how acted in my everyday interactions.  Those are the most powerful in my immediate environment.  Maybe I can’t or won’t be able to change the big world.  But I can change my small world.  I can focus on making the people I come into contact with everyday feel heard and valued in some way.

I’ve read all this before.  Maybe I wasn’t ready to hear the message?  I’m not sure what it is.  How this shift never occurred before within me.  I thought I was getting all the messages of how to bring more fulfillment and purpose to my life.  But I’m realizing I was stuck on these things being external goals.  Steps I would follow and work my way towards these goals.

I seemed to always be spinning my wheels.  I have a good job, two kids, and a marriage.  Check, check, check.  But fulfillment and purpose?  Not so much.

I can’t will those into place without looking inside.  Doing the work to heal my own disconnection.  I need to make myself feel heard not to the world outside me but for myself.

When I look back on my life, I want to look back on a life that I lived with a sense of kindness and connection that I felt within and shared with my small world to change this world a little at a time.  That this could be enough.


I Get It Now

I’ve been thinking a lot about my personal and career work and how I can fit into making a difference in the world.  It’s hard not to feel despair and that nothing I do will matter.  But the truth is if we all just focused on making our much smaller parts of the world better that together we would make a difference.

It is so hard to stay in that mindset.  I’ve never really written down my goals before or maintained a planner in the sense of planning ahead.  I’ve only ever used a calendar for keeping track of appointments and writing in events and now trying to put down more memories.

I’m starting to see though as I em entrenched firmly in my mid-forties that I do manage to get things done, remember to make appointments, and can use my planner to look back at past events but I feel exactly like that.  I’m focused on getting through my days but I’m missing a sense of connection to others and a connection to a greater good.  Am I making a difference?  Where am I going?

There is so much information on creating desired feelings, finding purpose or passion, doing year-end reflection and planning.  I so want to do that but feel like there is no point that I don’t have enough going on to worry about writing it down.  Although as I think of memories so easily forgotten.  Cute things that my kids say that I think I will remember and don’t.  I get down on myself for not doing a better job of documenting, planning, and just writing things down.

A blank page always feels futile to me.  What should I write?  I have always envied those that can write, draw, journal, doodle, put anything on a page!  As I write this I wonder if it was growing up not feeling heard, being afraid to speak and therefore it was always stuffed down inside.

As I write these words, and they start to tumble out of the swirling mind I have, that is exactly it.  Nothing I have to say was important and therefore I should not say anything.  Keeping it all inside has been part of so many difficulties.  A contributor to an auto-immune disease I’ve had since my teenage years, over-eating, sugar, alcohol, and depression.

I have an exploding feeling of wanting to help the world, my world, my community, those who I can reach with these thoughts.  What would the world looked like if we allowed ourselves a voice.  That it doesn’t have to be about big injustices (those so need to be heard and are coming out now too by many brave women) but that we can change the world by allowing ourselves to speak from our own hearts.

As I’ve written this it’s like an understanding wells up as my words come out and that there was no other access.  I can get to the understanding through thought.  I’m sure this is the art, music, and words that so many others have known so long.  My next task is to not be down on myself for taking so long to figure this out.

To allow myself to just speak.

To keep writing.

To start writing and allow the understanding to come up.

To hope that in doing so you can also find your way to your voice and to a moment of connection within that has always been there buried in the depths.

This feeling of connection is small but it is the seed that we all need to stop feeling so lost and alone.

There is an Outside World

As my oldest child is starting to navigate friendships and the playground world, I am struggling with ways that I can talk him through these experiences and to give him good skills that he can use.  I’ve mentioned it already but he is a sensitive kid and it breaks my heart to see him sad to feel left out or to not have a friend to play with during recess.  He is such a good kid, why can’t other kids see this?!

Now he often does play with other kids and has especially one really good friend and also plays with a few other kids fairly regularly.  On Friday we were talking at the end of the day before he fell asleep and I asked him how recess was going as I hadn’t asked in several days and it was one of the tough ones.

We talked about it and some things he could do different.  He could have played with a group of boys but they were playing tag that was too rough and he didn’t want to do that.  Part of our conversation was that it’s ok to spend sometime just passing a recess on his own if he really doesn’t want to do what the other kids are doing but that in order to make friends he needs to find some days that he does play with them, especially on days where the activity is not so rough.

I think part of why this is so much on my mind (and the topic of the last few posts!), is that I see so much of myself in him and know how lonely I felt through my school years that I hope to help him navigate it better.  But as I discovered that I sometimes don’t understand other adults, I’m not sure that I understand kids  either!

I think my focus will turn to strategies of also noticing the good things and really getting him to see that a day includes both things that may not be great, but that there are moments if we look for them!

When I ask how is day went, he never remembers it which used to really frustrate me.  I’ve now started asking him to reconstruct his day with me so he can remember the things that he has experienced.  And I have realized that this is also me.  I hardly have any memories from my childhood and I easily forget what I’ve done early that day or week.  I think it’s because we both have a very internal, cerebral approach where we both have intense inner worlds and aren’t really focused on the outer world.

I also need to spend some time reconstructing and writing things down so that I will remember things afterwards.  I know we all forget with time but I really feel out of sight out of mind.  Once an experience is gone, it’s almost scary how easily it leaves my memory.

I think I need to research and find ways to be more aware of my days and document more as well so that I can help my son to do those things too.

The Pain of Being

Today I touched the pain of being.  I didn’t wake up this morning with that plan.  I was quite happy to be working from home, grinding my way through the nitty gritty of developing a course. I went for a walk and the sun was shining.  I grabbed a coffee and enjoyed some homemade baking back at my house.  Slowly tweaking my course into order.

I had a physio appointment after lunch to work on my neglected, seized up shoulder and neck muscles.  I’ve been making some slow progress and expected today to be a typical visit of heat, a couple of new exercises and dry needling.  It started that way.  In the second exercise my elbow joint locked into the most intense pain.

My physiotherapist jumped on it.  She had me lay down and slowly worked on my arm and elbow.  I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks.  Rationally I knew I was ok and the intense pain was intermittent as I relaxed and let go of trying to move my arm.  They tears were coming from the depth of me and didn’t know the rational world was fixing the problem.

After a few minutes my elbow released and I could move my arm again.  Just like that the intense pain gone, a soreness and ache in my arm was all that remained.

But this pain had triggered a pain in the depths of my being that didn’t seem logical.  I drove home, tears streaming again.

There is a lot of history under those tears; rheumatoid arthritis from the age of 13, a feeling of isolation, unworthiness, and loneliness.   A deep understanding of touching pain that questions the will to live.

I have been doing work on this, sometimes half heartedly, sometimes dedicated, not always knowing if it will ever make a difference.  Not knowing if I will ever feel worthy, loved, surrounded.

I felt given up on for a moment at physio.  I have been working really hard lately to work on my physical health.  To do the exercises I need to do.  It felt like a huge blow to my progress.

In reality I am moving forward.  The changes are small but they are there.  I have done my exercises everyday.  I emotionally have been going through a hard time with my marriage the last few years and a conversation with my husband several days ago has shifted my emotional torment a little.

I have struggled with why bother for a long time.  Why bother has meant years of not putting effort into doing work for my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

Now I have kids, four and seven, and it started with a need to do be there for them.

I also need to be there for myself.

That is the pain.  Am I there for myself?

When I touch the pain of my being, can I be kind and compassionate and not beat myself up for not being where I think I should be in my life.

I am here.  Right now.

So if you see me (and maybe not the physical me but the other souls who have touched their pain) could you remember to smile and see me, see them.

See them, not their pain.

The beautiful soul that really is there just underneath.

Morning Moments

One of my favourite bloggers is  I love how she shares her struggles, triumphs, and her moments in life.  She inspired me to start waking up between 5 and 5:30 am most weekday mornings.  I also feel like there is so much I want to do and I wasn’t getting accomplished in my life.  Having young kids makes the time even more precious to carve out so that I’m getting refuelled and also taking steps to accomplish the things that matter to me.

There is so much great information and awesome bloggers that share their lives that it has taken me a few years to really get sharing and working consistently on my blog.  Why write if I don’t have something new and different.  What I should have seen a long time ago is that it is the sharing of our stories, our perspective that is a creative outlet and connects us together.  Those are two very powerful reasons and are enough.

I love how shared experiences make us feel less alone.  In knowing that other moms struggle with patience and feel fried by the end of the day, I feel less angst that I’m doing everything wrong.  There are lots of picky eaters and meal planning and getting kids to eat healthy is a common struggle too!  Sleeping.  Enough said there.

I appreciate those that share not only the struggle but all the the things they do to piece a great life together.  Food ideas, sleeping thoughts, self care reminders, and many more ideas.

I have friends who I talk with, get together and have a shared journey but I also love being able to sit down at the end of the day or open up my computer bright and early and feel a connection to this shared journey of finding our way through life, parenting, working, and relationships.