There is an Outside World

As my oldest child is starting to navigate friendships and the playground world, I am struggling with ways that I can talk him through these experiences and to give him good skills that he can use.  I’ve mentioned it already but he is a sensitive kid and it breaks my heart to see him sad to feel left out or to not have a friend to play with during recess.  He is such a good kid, why can’t other kids see this?!

Now he often does play with other kids and has especially one really good friend and also plays with a few other kids fairly regularly.  On Friday we were talking at the end of the day before he fell asleep and I asked him how recess was going as I hadn’t asked in several days and it was one of the tough ones.

We talked about it and some things he could do different.  He could have played with a group of boys but they were playing tag that was too rough and he didn’t want to do that.  Part of our conversation was that it’s ok to spend sometime just passing a recess on his own if he really doesn’t want to do what the other kids are doing but that in order to make friends he needs to find some days that he does play with them, especially on days where the activity is not so rough.

I think part of why this is so much on my mind (and the topic of the last few posts!), is that I see so much of myself in him and know how lonely I felt through my school years that I hope to help him navigate it better.  But as I discovered that I sometimes don’t understand other adults, I’m not sure that I understand kids  either!

I think my focus will turn to strategies of also noticing the good things and really getting him to see that a day includes both things that may not be great, but that there are moments if we look for them!

When I ask how is day went, he never remembers it which used to really frustrate me.  I’ve now started asking him to reconstruct his day with me so he can remember the things that he has experienced.  And I have realized that this is also me.  I hardly have any memories from my childhood and I easily forget what I’ve done early that day or week.  I think it’s because we both have a very internal, cerebral approach where we both have intense inner worlds and aren’t really focused on the outer world.

I also need to spend some time reconstructing and writing things down so that I will remember things afterwards.  I know we all forget with time but I really feel out of sight out of mind.  Once an experience is gone, it’s almost scary how easily it leaves my memory.

I think I need to research and find ways to be more aware of my days and document more as well so that I can help my son to do those things too.

The Time is Right

Last year a friend of mine talked about a session she had with an awesome Evolutionary Astrologist Christina Rai.  My friend talked about how insightful the session was and it was amazing to learn so much in understanding herself and her path in life.  Sign me up.  I couldn’t wait to go and see what I could learn.

I went last year in June and it was mind blowing.  The approach of evolutionary astrology is more based on the soul and our evolutionary purpose in life (this is a major simplification which I will talk more about later but you can check out the website for a much more eloquent and deeper explanation).

I was so amazed at the insights that I gained about my approach in life, my way of being, and an understanding of the underlying forces of my struggles.  I wanted to shout from the rooftops about this amazing tool we have in our midst to help us have conscious insights into our psyche.  It doesn’t change our current struggles.  It is not destined fate.  It is a map that we can choose to have as an aid while WE make the best choices we can in the moment for our journeys.

I have been experiencing some major internal pressure to make big changes in my life that I couldn’t understand.  My way of viewing the world, what I value, and where I see myself going are in a major, cataclysmic shift.  It has been so hard feeling like the earth underneath me is heaving, crumbling with no stable ground in sight.

I decided to go again for a session based on my solar and lunar returns and to concentrate on my astrological chart transits to look at what is going on for me right now and the year ahead.  It again was so mind blowing and so awesome to get an understanding of the planetary influences, the aspects that are guiding my journey right now.

One piece I will share now is I could never understand why I felt so trapped growing up.  My parents were very quiet and not very communicative when I was growing up.  We lived on a farm 4 miles out of a small town with no close neighbours.  I sometimes will hear others describe growing up on a farm as a magical time being close to nature.  I found it isolating and felt disconnected and lonely.

Thinking about my natal chart and the planetary influences of my soul for this journey I asked Christina why I had such a strong need to “escape” to a city when I was growing up.  I was desperate to leave that childhood isolation behind and I did once I graduated from school.  That’s over 20 years ago and in the shift I’m experiencing right now I’ve had some of those same feelings of wanting to escape.  And it’s never about my life being horrible now or when I was a kid.  There are definite improvements I can make in being more connected, make use of my time better, and be more in sync with my self.

I realized through my natal chart, the strong energy I have,  an essential energy to push forward in the world (Mars in Aries in my first house) and a very strong urge for freedom (Uranus in Libra in my seventh house).  Now I can see how growing up on a farm could feel like a trap as I wanted to be out doing in the world.  I wanted to be free to roam and be around, to have experiences where there were people, and to see the world.  My family did not purposely do the opposite of what I needed to experience.  They didn’t know.  I didn’t know why I felt the way I did and it made it worse because sure things weren’t perfect.  My family was also very quiet, did not communicate much, and was fairly conservative.  That also felt constricting which may be somewhat normal but felt overwhelming to me with the energies that I had inside me waiting to burst forth in the world.

It’s now that I can see how some of that pattern is emerging again in having my own young family.  In the last several years my freedom and energy have less choice to be free but have been focused on nurturing the beautiful little beings who are now almost 7 and 4.  After the evolutionary astrology session, I could see how that is triggering some of my pressure points again.  It’s in this amazing understanding that I can make better choices to not feel so trapped.  To understand that the intenseness of raising young children is slowly shifting to allow for a little space again for me to roam again.

There is so much power in knowing.  I’ve realized that the greatest gift I can give my children is to understand the influences of their soul journey (through their natal charts).  I can’t be perfect but I can at least try to understand and support them at this most fundamental level.

This is a very brief skim of the impact of the learning from that session.  It has made me so passionate about learning more that I’ve started to take astrology classes and find others who are interested in astrology as well.  Stay tuned for more!

 

Restlessness

I have felt restless for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure exactly when it started. At what point did I go from the live in the moment to moment ease of the childhood mind to restless?
There are as many reasons underlying this feeling as there is ways to deal with it.

Some of the coping methods I’ve used are constructive and others destructive and I’ve done lots of both.

Overeating, sugar, and alcohol are not so conducive to positively working out good changes.

Trying to work through what this feeling is trying to communicate gives seeds to work with.

And it seems that this restlessness is my tool that I’ve been given to push me to examine my life and figure out what I need to do next.

When I figure out one piece, there is always another wave which at times can feel suffocating and depressing. I’m realizing that the waves will keep coming but if I can learn to move with the waves it is not so crushing. I can see the continual waves with more patience and compassion.

Todays wave is about work. My work history is a combination of being tossed around in the crashing waves to a joyous learn to surf only to have a major wipeout a couple of years ago.

When I graduated from high school there was a recession going on. Add to that limited funds for university and a lack of confidence in my chosen field of teaching, I ended up dropping out of university at the start of second year. I managed to find a full time job working in a coffee shop and at least was able to support myself while searching for what to do next. I was introduced to a boyfriend’s sister who was a CMA – a designated accountant.

That was never my dream but I could take classes at night while I worked and that is how I fell into the accounting profession.

It was not my first choice (or twentieth for that matter) but the whole seven years it took, I could work which was needed. I could never find a fit though in any of the accounting jobs that I had. Thankfully twelve and a half years ago had the confidence to get back into teaching – accounting at a college.

I think some people are not only satisficers or maximizers (http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2006/06/are_you_a_satis) when it comes to choosing but I think it happens in other areas too.

I’ve realized that I tend to have the maximizer in me always on, always scanning to see if any job, relationship, house, and any other part of my life are what’s best for me.

A couple of years ago I had been chugging along quite happy in my role as an instructor and also working on some long-term planning for my department. I already had the restless feeling creeping up after ten years of teaching, I was ready for a different opportunity. Insert some serendipitous miscommunication and an intolerant boss and I switched departments.
I’m still teaching accounting but in a different campus and department.
I love that I know have more freedom in the way I deliver courses and it has been a good change.
But the restlessness is still brewing.
I know part of the solution is learning skills to just let the restlessness go. I don’t have to act on it all the time. Meditation could be one or for me right now (although a 6 yr and 4 yr old tend to be great interrupters!) I have an energy routine to get back into my body that has been working really well. It only takes ten minutes which has meant consistency almost every day.

On the other hand do I want to do another 10 or 15 years doing what I’m doing? My other loves have been psychology (I went back to finish a BA in psych a few years ago). And a chronic illness that has been in remission for a long time but never far from the surface has me exploring alternative healing as a way to fulfill a deeper desire to really work with people at a more personal level.

I don’t know what the answer is yet but I know for sure that the restlessness will keep pushing me to figure it out.

We need each other

I am on a journey to have a life with meaning. What does that mean?! How can my view add anything to the many, many blogs, books, and articles written on finding meaning in this world that makes a difference? I am hoping to incorporate good habits and changes that help me to connect with a sense of calmness in this ever changing, harsh but also amazing world.

I was very lucky to have most of the summer off to spend with my kids. To get up and enjoy a slower pace. To go many times to the playground on our street, to rent a cottage for a week, to have play dates and go swimming. Most mornings, although many way earlier starts than I would have liked, included cups of coffee and some shows for the kids and reading for me. This is the first summer I didn’t wish for the work routine to come back sooner. The kids still need constant vigilance but not need every moment of interaction with me and allow for a little breathing room in the day.

I thought I had replenished my energy to be ready for routine, early mornings, packing lunches, separate drop-offs, and pickups, and less time for making meals. The routine is not quite two months in and I’m exhausted.

It felt easier in the summer to not be constantly comparing how my life routines are shoddy and lacking compared to the craft filled, healthy snacks, meals, many activities, and lovely lives others seem to have all year around. Summer gives an excuse to be lazier, slow down, enjoy garden veggies and revel in summertime treats.

Fall and winter seems to bring stress of store bought foods that never measure up in nutrition and ease of preparation. routines kick into high gear and energy must be sucked up to be up early, and get everywhere. and be cheerful, patient, and make if all look effortless.

All I need is time management and if that doesn’t work than I can prioritize, and if that doesn’t work I can just mediate and add in some zen. We do need all of these tools to make sure we are doing what needs to be done.

But underneath it all there is a layer of exhaustion that never seems to go away.
What is it? What is it from? There are many different answers that are too long and nuanced to do in one post. And really the answers are everywhere and there are so many awesome resources that help with the pieces. That help me to sort out a particular issue.
Do you feel it too?

This is where we need to hear each other and why I love reading the routines and lives of others. To know that we are not alone in this feeling and that in itself is a start.

Hearing the Message

hear the whispers
hear the whispers

It feels like there really is a blog for everything. Google will often give choices endlessly, page after page of options to read, use, and ponder. Voices may leave and others begin to fill into the void. But here is the thing. Not one is exactly the same. The topics may be the same but the stories are different.
Or the feeling of the message is different.

Some messages may speak more clearly to me and not speak to you at all. We may need to hear another voice, or see pictures or feel different in order to resonate with that particular topic, idea, or message.

And as important, when we are trying to grow and expand our view, advance our journey, we need to hear, see, feel, and ponder the message again and again in different ways.

In teaching in my day job, it is about learning modalities and teaching to how learners actually learn best. Auditory, visual, vs kinaesthetic. Ideally I use all three in order to make the learning environment richer, to reach more students to aid in their learning. It means using visual images, speaking, and giving everyone a chance to practice and work with the material to help the learning stick.

The same goes for our personal journeys. I think I am failing sometimes when I hear messages or am learning new ways to make my life more peaceful, accepting, and joyful when I don’t “get it” right away.

I went for a Reiki session several weeks ago with a wonderful Reiki practitioner and medium, Sue Berard, who ends her sessions with words and messages she receives during the session. One of the suggestions she had at my last session was to practice following my intuition. Sue knows my desire to add more divine guidance in my life and she suggested I start by listening to my intuition for as many choices as I can in my day. As simple as asking myself what I want to eat for lunch.
Or what choice of sandwich – start with small choices.

Life is busy and when my young kids are along there is not much space of silence in order to access intuition in the midst of chatter, constant movement, and demands. I think I have tried trusting my instinct in some choices but nowhere near what the amount of practice I would like to be doing.

i don’t know about you but I feel I’m in the midst of a big shift in my life. Not an outward shift but a major inner shift. I’m exhausted not just from raising a six and three year old but from the inner struggle of not living true to me.

I’ve spent many years reading various self-help books and blogs, searching for an answer to quieting my inner restlessness. But sometimes we just aren’t ready and don’t hear the message or really take-in the teachings. The words sound good and make sense. They give a sense of hope of changing my life once and for all.

But then I don’t do the work of the teaching and the message that had such power and hope just fades away.

Maybe it just wasn’t my time yet, I haven’t been really ready until now. I feel like not shifting my inner life is just too painful. I need to shift. To jump into the unknown and journey forward.

And with the readiness to jump into the unknown, the messages start appearing in my life. Conversations lead to feelings of support and a suggestion of a book by Anita Moorjani called “Dying To Be Me”. the book is her story of healing from end stage cancer after having a near death experience. It is soul changing. A very powerful message that we are all One and all come from One. That we embody and are love and how she came back to live fearlessly and help others to hear her message and to see that we can all live fearlessly as our true selves and allow our lives to unfold as magnificent beings.

I wanted to learn more about ways that i can be me, follow my inner direction, and start to allow my life to unfold.

I googled workshops in following divine guidance and magically stumbled into Caroline Myss’s website. I did know of her work as I’ve read a few of her books including Why We don’t Heal and How We Can, as well as Sacred Contracts. Why we Don’t Heal I must have read over 15 years ago and Sacred Contracts probably 10 years.

I remember feeling the messages in these books as interesting and powerful. But the words and teachings have faded away.

What I followed into Carline’s website was a reflections video on intuition. And the core of that message is that to follow intuition means following our truth relentlessly. That we are always receiving messages of our truth, like when we have gut reactions and know the choice to make. Or we may just have a knowing what we should choose but may be afraid to do. That when we don’t follow our truth at any level (wether it’s knowing what we should be eating to knowing a big choice that should be made) that we will become out of balance. That we have have anxiety, depression, and maybe physical symptoms of some kind that it means we have not been following our truth. She gives an amazing analogy of moving up the floors of a building in our journey and that we can’t move to the next floor until we are willing to let our old beliefs die. We will open up to new vistas and truths that will keep us expanding and growing. This is a very short version. I encourage you to go check out her website for more.

And it all comes around to my Reiki session weeks ago about following my intuition! I needed to hear the message again and again to help propel me through my fears to start ascending the stairs of my journey to the next floor. Ready or not…

Magic Bullet

Did you know there is no magic bullet?

  • no secret to success
  • no short cut

I searched for a long time to find the article, magazine, book, blog, guru that would have the magical answer to the restlessness.  to magically wake up and only crave salad. to be laser focused and productive.  to find my one purpose in life.  to feel confident and not worry what everyone else was thinking.  to feel happy and content.

The answer was out there, I just needed to keep searching.  Reading, watching shows, taking a class.  The answer had to be out there somewhere.  somehow I just couldn’t find this thing that was the answer to my longing for connection to myself, to being healthier and to feeling connected to others.  where for so long I felt none.  a sense of emptiness, inescapable.

Nothing I read, and searched for was the answer.  I couldn’t take the outside answers and seem to bring them in.  These were great books, excellent writers and wonderful, wise people.  Why couldn’t I make my life better as each book and blog gave me tools, suggestions, tips and tricks to use.  I had lots of pre-kid time in my 20’s and 30’s to exercise, meditate, read, and sleep.

It is cliche of course.  the answer is in not out.  I didn’t do all the tips, exercises, and tools.  why?  I don’t know.  maybe somewhere within I didn’t believe that they would really make a difference.  somehow i had a fundamental flaw that blocked me from achieving what i desired.  it felt empty and nothing I read, did, or wished for could fill it up.  It is not fillable from the outside.

I realize now I first needed to believe.  believe that i had the ability to change.  believe in my own voice.  believe i can find enjoyment in my path.

Why did it take so long?  There are those great teachers and guides out there that teach this truth.  that we must start inward first.  maybe it just took me this long on my journey of growth to really take this in.  I let the distractions rule me for far too long.

i’m not sure what my path is,  my role and where i’m going but more than ever before I feel like i’m stepping in the right direction.  wherever that may lead.

Vulnerability 1 and Perfect O

http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2016/03/while-waiting-for-perfect.html

I’ve been waiting for perfect.

the perfect blog title

the perfect theme

the perfect ideas

the perfect feeling

the perfect time

the perfect message to share

for the fear of vulnerability to subside

almost two years after getting a domain and blog set up I know that perfect will not happen.

I may never figure out exactly what my message is and why I feel the need to share with the world.  And you know what?  that is ok.  The feeling of vulnerability that goes with exposing some of my life to the world, that’s not going away either.  it’s harder to say that’s ok but I hope will get easier bit by bit.  post by post.  The need to write, create something and add my voice of wonder to the world are enough.